The Power of Words

Have you ever been told that you can't do something? Has anyone ever told you that you could do something? When I was younger my Dad used to tell me that if I really wanted something then I could have it. This was very confusing to me when I younger. But he explained to me that if I want something and I work hard enough to get it, then I will get it. Then later on in my life I met a woman who told me that it was too late for me to graduate high school because I had goofed off too much. Both of what was said to me stuck out in my memory and I will always carry them with me. But also when I younger, my Dad used to tell me that my art was very good and if I kept practicing that one day my work might even be good enough to sell and make commission off of. But I would frequently forget that and often times I stopped my art all together. It is not because I didn't believe him or because I didn't enjoy creating art. Because well, if you know me, then you know that one day I really do wish that I could be an artist. Later on in my life, much more previously than earlier statements I met someone who did not consider me an artist because my work was not what he considered to be real art. And I suppose that is what he was taught that art was. But that stuck with me almost as much as my fathers words did. (When he told me I can get/do anything I want). I think about it all the time so much to the point where I have changed my views on my artistic expressions, now I feel like nothing I do is good enough. All the things I used to be able to draw look pathetic. Except my cartoons,... but that is not art, that is just doodling.

So how powerful can words be? What determines their importance to us. Why do we choose to focus on some statements no matter how insignificant as opposed to others that have so much more value? Is it our insecurities taking charge? Is it our subconscious letting us know that what is being said is truth or fiction, or is that something we decide?

Again, if you know me then  you will also know that I think we choose our destiny and make our lives what they are,... in every aspect. So why do I build on some statements and let others brake me? Well, from this point on,... I choose not to. I will create my art! No matter how unprofessional (or even sometimes ugly) it may be!

So the next time your letting what someone said bring you down, ask yourself "why?!". Unless of course you are letting it effect you in a positive manner!

So goodnight, and good health!

Expression

I feel so frustrated when it comes to drawing, no matter what I decide to draw with, charcoal, graphite, ink, colored pencil, anything I feel as though I can't get what is in mind on to the the paper. How I am suppose to express myself when nothing comes out the way it is in my head?! idk I am very frustrated. I seem to be doing the best in charcoal though... I was going to draw some fall leaves that I took a picture of while visiting some dear friends out of state, however it was looking very bad and I just don't have the energy for it. Ever since school started all I can think about homework, but in a good way.

I like home work it keeps my brain in shape,... I suppose if I keep drawing it will make me better with that too. hmpf,... well I did do another charcoal contour drawing of my chihuahua today:

Still looks kinda like a fox, and I could use a little practice on proportions, but all in all, I think i see a tiny bit of improvement.

A really good friend of mine told me that she received some great advice for charcoal drawing, she told me that her teacher suggested to focus on the negative colors, like the shadows when drawing. Its sounds logical and very helpful i just don't know if it's working for me. I just want the talent back that i used to have when i was a kid. Maybe i wasn't that good, maybe a just had confidence,... maybe that's what made me better? I guess being more confident couldn't hurt, and it would definitely make me feel better. That and some practice,... it's worth a try, don't you think?!

Well, I am off to study. Hope you all enjoy your night. And may you all work hard at your resolutions!

Energized, and ready to go!

Life is very short, we should spend time with the people we love. Before we know it years have gone by and we haven't seen our family or friends in what feel like ages.

Today, so far has been a good day. I feel rejuvenated and energetic. A good day for productivity,... and maybe I can throw in some FPS (first person shooter) video games! :p But, work before play! I have been doing laundry since I've been up. And soon it will be time for my homework! I really don't look at it as work though, it is almost fun for me to do these things sometimes. I find myself thinking about all the good that comes from my chores and homework: We get to wear nice clean clothes and they are ready for whatever occasion may pop up, and when I do my homework I am getting that much closer to an "A" and that much closer to my AA Degree. (I plan to get my degree in Business and own my own Bakery one day!) Of course there are those days when you feel like your getting nowhere, but they soon pass and your back to normal, closer than ever to your goals!

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

~ Unknown

A Cluster of Cups

This is charcoal drawing that I completed recently, it's not amazing but I am trying :).

As of late things have been very hectic, little to money, school starts tomorrow, some of my roomies are acting like cheap pricks, and a good friend of mine is asking me to borrow money from someone who I am not that close to so she can pay her car payment. *sigh*... It's fine though, I have expressed my stresses to my boyfriend and he is helping me. He tells me to focus on one thing at a time. I am constantly trying to "multi-task" and in doing so over work myself and get extremely stressed out. So far it's working.

I used to think that in order to stay on track and get where you want to go that you had to multi-task, and work on ever area at once to get things done quicker. That may work for some people, but apparently not me. I am glad he suggested for me to focus on one thing at a time. It presented me with a challenge to try things differently.  After all, I am always telling the friend of mine mentioned above that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.... It is funny how much sense that makes but so many people are guilty of doing it. Have you ever been so hungry and had nothing to eat in the fridge but you continue to keep going back to the fridge to look in it, as if something might be there that wasn't there before? YOU'RE INSANE!!! no, lol I'm just kidding, that doesn't make you insane. :)


You know, idk if it's been stress lately or what but I had a very weird dream last night. Before I went to sleep I was telling myself over and over in my head that I was a smart student. (It's a form of psychology I do on myself,) and when I finally fell asleep I dreamed that I was visiting a friend and her family. Her parents had just had a baby and had given it to my friend to mother and take care of, because they saw themselves as too old to do it or something. I was helping her take care of it for a while and then when it was time for me to go, her parents got angry and where trying to keep me there. So (in my dreams I can always fly, it's just what I do...) I crawled out my friends bedroom window and started to fly off. Not even two seconds after climbing out the window her parents came outside looking for me. I tried to fly around the house to avoid them but I knew sooner or later they would find me. So finally I just flew to the opening where they could see me and shouted good bye to them, very politely might i add. They expressed their distress at me leaving and I begged their pardon but said there where things I needed to take care of. But they kept following me. I could not get away, ever direction I turned to fly there was a forest that had been burned down. I could not fly over them because in addition to the still raising smoke but no flames, there was something very wrong about it, something very scary. but, only scary and threatening to me, they seemed to be completely oblivious to the harm that could be done.... And then I woke up.

Sometimes I can go back to dreams that I have dreamed, if I think about the dream and every detail about it right before I fall asleep. Which seems weird that I would have this dream considering the message I was relaying to myself before I went to sleep.

But I am not worried about it, if it means something it will work itself out. If it doesn't then there is no need to worry anyway. I am just going to stay focussed on school and work for the time being,... but mostly school. That's the most important thing.

You know, I love painting. There are a lot of things I love...., like cooking and baking, and sewing, and taking pictures. I always try to do the things I love, it keeps me happy and content. However, I am not painting, or doing any kind of art on similar mediums. I always bake and cook, my sister just got me a sewing machine for Christmas, and before that I sewed by hand, and you all know I take pictures. Why don't I do more art on mediums such as canvas or paper?

My Grandfather is a wonderful artist, he has picked it up in the past years and is pretty talented I might add. His work is very interesting. He finds time to write, paint and take pictures. He lives a pretty healthy lifestyle and it shows in his work. You can tell he works out cognitively and he even mentions getting out and doing physical work as well, like hiking and biking, and I even think he lifts weights sometimes! His lifestyle and good habits are portrayed in all his work. And to see such drive, happiness, and determination is very inspirational. Every time I look at his work weather it be just writing, or if he posts pictures taken earlier that day of whats gone on during that day, or if he up loads a painting he has finished.

Maybe I should start getting more involved in that hobby as well the others. Sooo,.... You may start to see some of my own work posted up (besides my photographs).

It is odd how our minds work, we can be so compassionate one minute, and so selfish the next.

I remember when I was younger, I used to spend the night at my best friends house pretty often. We would spend the whole night locked up in her room. We would play with these high fashion dolls and plan out how our future would be. (We would live next door to each other and our children would grow up together. One of us would have a hot tub on their back patio and the would have a bar on theirs. We planned trips that we would go on road trips to reach the intended destination. We would be each others maid of honor. We would get drunk for the first time together on our 21st birthday.

Nowadays we are lucky to talk once or twice a month. She got engaged to a preacher in another country and moved down to live with him. Leaving everything behind. I should be happy for her, but all I can think of is much i miss the friend I used to have.

It's not just the distance between us either. We have grown to be very different people. Sometimes I think that she just stopped moving forward and took a few steps backwards. But I wont ever have that relationship with anyone, and maybe never again with us. We don't even think alike anymore.


What are we suppose to do in situations like these? How do we grow and turn it into a learning experience? For me, I've started talking to other people more. I try and socialize even though sometimes it proves to be difficult. I would be most comfortable to stay locked up in my room where I don't need to get used to anyone.

I am getting quite good at "conversating" (One of my bosses made that up) :], and sometimes I notice that my style will get a tad bit better.

My friend and I will always remain friends, I am just concerned one day we may not hold each other in the same regards as we used to.

Keeping Up

Today the time seems to go by so fast, not just today but all days... it just seems that they all blend together whirring right by you. Keeping up a blog, keeping up with friends and family. It becomes kind of tedious. It seems as if you look the other way for just a minute, or if you take the shortest of breaks that not only do you miss out on so much,... but you also grow further apart from your loved ones.

Sometimes, even if you are able to keep up with those around you, it seems that they change so drastically that it is almost not the way things are suppose to happen. What do you do when you have so many people changing in so many opposite ways, tearing at you from both sides. They all need a different side of you, they all need to be treated a different way. And, you know? I am starting feel like I am so different from them that I sometimes cannot relate. But I love them all so much that I hate the thought of not being around them... even if at times I don't understand them and they may even drive me into utter confusion with their actions, feelings, and logic. Is this normal? Is this the way adult relationships work? Do we only deal with people until we feel that we can no longer be around them and then take a break until we feel refreshed and able to deal with the confusion again?

So often I find myself becoming more of a hermit, concealing myself further away from the hustle and bustle of the everyday drama of people and their needs and emotions. I don't really mind being alone. All I have to look out for is me, I don't have to rack my brain thinking of new ways to help someone else and then sometimes my advice, thoughts, or opinions are just thrown to the side, as if they had or have a better solution. Yet they still seem to be unhappy with things and they still talk about it all the time.

When I was younger even up until a few years ago, I used to be an incredibly stubborn girl. I always had to learn things my way, the hard way, the trail and error way. I got myself into trouble a countless number of times. I played with dangerous things I never even should have been introduced to in the first place. And why, all because I THOUGHT that I would be sooo wise if I was able to try every experience I could. Yes, experiences make you wiser, but is it really that wise to go looking for trouble or to ignore the solutions of other people who have gone the same thing, if not very similar situations. Is it wise to toss around your health and own well being because you want to do things by yourself, and on your own? Sometimes, that is what I feel like some of the people in my life are doing.

I really just wish things could be as simple as they once were. I have come to the realization that you cannot control other people and that you cannot take care of everyone no matter how much you love them. But it is tiring to remember and when someone asks for my help or my opinion I give it to them and I always will. I just think that maybe one day my voice will be heard and I might be able to help someone I might be able to save someone from making a big mistake, or I might help them reach a solution or have an epiphany.

All I really want is to better understand people and connect better with them.

I do not have a picture for this post.